I don't trust God

Mom gave me a book yesterday by Kevin Adams titled "The Extravagant Fool" which I just finished reading (it is 8:55 PM) and felt prompted to write this entry.  The book spookily (is that a word?) mirrors my life, failures and realizations. So now I have put it out there.  I don't trust God. I don't think I trust anyone. Somewhere along the road of my life I dumped trust into the ditches and decided I didn't need it.  As I reflect on where I am in my life right now it appears obvious that there is no going back. I can't pretend that my life has not been directed by God. I believe that God is real as my life has SO many instances that can only be explained by His hand intervening and protecting me.  But I don't trust Him and I don't know why. I don't trust that He is enough and keep finding ways to walk around Him to satisfy myself for myself. I am not without hope however. Over these past few months and in particular weeks I have seen His hand strip everything away in my mind and get me to a place where I am forced to consider what He proposes.  They say you base your impression of God based on your earthly father and I think I have moved past thinking God is just a strict parent frustrated with me.  I have satisfied myself that He is who He says He is and would go further to say that He has revealed Himself in so many ways that I would be foolish to think He is anything other than what His Word tells me He is. I have come to the realization though (prompt I believe by His Spirit) that He isn't enough for me.  I am not prepared to wait for Him.  I am inpatient and as quickly as I can type these words I will inevitably do something that proves He is not the centre of my life - I am. My spiritual growth is obvious to me but I feel like I am about to cross the chasm that cannot be retraced. God has me exactly where He wants me.  He hasn't let me slip off the edge of a cliff to catch me but has instead pursued me relentlessly through circumstance, logic and actual events. The problem is that I don't know how to trust Him. I don't even know what that means. I don't trust Lisa, the people I work with and have designed my thought processes around not having to trust people. The problem that creates is that I may be missing out on some pretty big opportunities to see God work in my life. For now I have decided to leave my heart and mind open to what He wants to teach me.  I read in His Word that many faithful men (and woman) trusted God and the evidence of their faith was the resulting works.  If God was the centre of my life and if my life was anchored only to Him I know logically that everything else would fall into place but can't seem to put it into practise. God, please teach me and show me that you are enough. Pour me out like wine and break me like bread until my heart grabs on to nothing but you.